Sadly, I suffer from insomnia. This isn't a recent development. If you ask my family, I could always sleep like the dead...but unfortunately, that blessing left me when I went to college. Maybe it was the stress. Maybe it was the cold Utah air. Maybe it was just a latent post-pubescent trauma being stored up to haunt me the rest of my days. I don't know, but whatever the reason, I'm plagued. The sad thing is I will be bone-weary tired, sure that I can't go on a minute longer without my eyes just glueing themselves shut...but when my head hits the pillow it's literally like BOOM! My eyes open, my brain whizzes and whirs in a million different directions, and I feel adrenaline pumping into my stomach making me worry and wonder about stupid things that probably don't even matter in the scheme of things. The most annoying side-effect, though, is that certain songs or sayings or even just words will just keep repeating themselves over and over in the back of my head (even as the worries and wonders are going on in the front) like a sleep-depriving mantra "that's how you know...that's how you know...that's how you know...you're in love..." and I cannot, no matter how hard I try, get it to stop.
This is when I start thinking these random thoughts like: "I did lock the door, right?" "Remember when - 10 years ago - Troy spent that $200 on a stupid speaker system...I wish we still had that money" "When school starts I want to be sure I have red folders for the students' homework" "When I lose 50 pounds, I am totally going to get a lead in that show" and on and on and on.
Tonight I can't sleep because I'm allowing myself to be bothered by some stupid things. I'm sure I'm making a bigger deal out of them than I should, and yet I can't seem to be able to stop myself. I'm also annoyed real bad with a family member right now, so of course all those conversations you have in your head with that person (that are always so perfect and say so much) are playing out in differing versions constantly. (How come in real life those conversations never even happen?) Actually, I've found that usually if I just let things go and stop thinking about it it's usually better, and it will never really do any good to have these conversations with the person in real life anyway because they're not going to change just for you...so usually I do just let it go. I'm sure I will soon, but right now I'm just frustrated and venting. (I think I'm really liking this blog thing because it's giving me something to do at midnight instead of toss and turn in my bed!)
After re-reading what I've posted so far, I think I sound like I'm a bit crazy. I hope I'm not alone. Does anyone else out there suffer this trauma?? AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
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